ConnieHdshtSmallFile1Are you socially active on the Facebook scene? What do you use for ‘protection?’ I ask because Facebook has just recently brought it to my attention that I have been “POKED.”

The concerning thing is, like some kind of Bill Cosby victim, I was not even AWARE that I had been poked! It may have occurred when I was asleep, or otherwise distracted, and to make it worse, Facebook has only just now made me aware that I was poked by MULTIPLE PARTNERS over the last few months, BOTH MALE AND FEMALE! 

I must admit I’m still not absolutely sure what I think of that…It is causing me to do a lot of soul searching and deep introspection. Does this mean I am bi-sexual? The jury is still out, but they are asking the judge for clarification on the evidence.  So I have had to clarify to the jury that I am definitely NOT the kind of girl who engages in “casual poking” as a rule. Should I get tested for an STD (“SOCIALLY” Transmitted Disease)?

I mean, the details are purposefully vague…Wouldn’t you expect Facebook to at least make it clear with what I was poked with…HOW MANY TIMES I was poked… and precisely WHERE I was poked…I didn’t just fall off the Apple I-phone boat yesterday, I know it’s very unlikely they poked me in my ear, you know what I’m saying?

And what is the proper “POKING PROTOCOL?” Do you have some obligation as a ‘pokee’ to the ‘poker’? There’s probably some expected response, and I am afraid I may have unintentionally come off like a bitch… Cause I know if I poked someone (I don’t know what I’d poke them with, I guess maybe my finger) I’d want to snuggle a little and chat for a bit probably. So I worry since I had no idea I was poked, that I may have come off very rude.

If so I am so sorry! But honestly, THEY were the one who poked ME, and without any communication before or even afterward! So I really shouldn’t feel guilty, right? Shouldn’t they as the ‘POKER’ have some obligation to me to cuddle and chat afterward? It just seems so ‘cold’ of a random, fairly intimate feature, wouldn’t you agree?

I will admit I was somewhat afraid to go public about this, because I was a little worried people might try to ‘blame’ me as some kind of social media ‘flirt’ or something…Sure enough, I tried to confide with my Mom about this experience, asking her if she too had been ‘poked’ on Facebook. She became very upset, accusing me of bringing this behavior on myself.

Then after my Mom called me an embarrassment to the family, I discovered that a few of my friends have also recently learned they had been casually POKED on Facebook, and were also unaware. Like me, they were afraid to go public, because similar to the alleged Cosby victims, they don’t want to be castigated, shamed and blamed for bringing this “poking” on themselves, as my mom has done with me.

Just like me, they’re concerned about possibly having been exposed to an “STD” (SOCIALLY Transmitted Disease), once again because of the LACK OF DETAIL in the notification…Facebook strangely does not make it clear WHERE they were poked, HOW MANY TIMES they were poked by the individual(s), and with WHAT they were poked with!

I mean, how easy would it be for the notification to simply say, provided it was an innocuous poke, that you were poked ‘in the arm’, or ‘on the leg’,  or ‘in the chest’ (see, even in the ‘chest’ that might be an issue too on a couple of levels…that could be sexually provocative or even challenging me to a fight kind of provocative)…So why would Facebook purposefully keep it so vague unless they wanted to keep ALL the ‘options’ open for the person doing the poking, if you know what I’m saying? That’s one of the most disturbing things about it, the lack of detail and clarity.

Then to add insult to injury, I tried to give blood yesterday at the Blood Mobile, and their screening person asked me about my sexual partner history. I told them to my knowledge I had not had one for a long time. But in the interest of full disclosure, I explained that I am very socially active, and as a result I had recently been informed that I had been POKED by multiple unknown individuals.

The Blood Mobile medical tech thanked me for stopping by, gave me an orange juice and ushered me out the door. It was very embarrassing. I tried to call my Mom for support and she said she didn’t know who I was and to delete her number from my phone.


Connie Bryan

(Connie Bryan is a writer and comedian in Sacramento, CA…Check out all of Connie’s material on her website and blog at